I am already coming up on the three week mark since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I’m also quickly learning that this diagnosis is both physically and mentally exhausting.
I feel like I’ve been forced into a sick game of this or that titled “MS Life or Normal Life.” How do you play you ask? Well let me explain! Receive a diagnosis for a chronic disease that presents itself in all sorts of odd symptoms. More specifically, fatigue, blurry vision, tingling, numbness, confusion, memory loss, slowed thinking, dizziness, pain, etc. Then experience one or several of these symptoms and start guessing, “is this symptom because of MS or is this just normal life.” Want to make it even more challenging? Add pregnancy into the mix that can also share many of these same symptoms. Having fun yet, because I’m not.
I’ve been playing this game a lot unfortunately, and I’m not sure if it’s because the diagnosis is still so new, or if people with MS think about this sort of thing everyday. It is making me question everything, and I’m already tired of it. Is that tingling in my hand because I have a flare up coming on again or was I just sitting funny? I couldn’t remember a specific word, is that because my memory has been affected from a previous lesion? Or how about when I wake up in the morning and my vision is blurry and I panic for those first few moments as I wonder, is my body attacking my optic nerve again, before I blink it away and can see. I follow a few MS accounts online and one posted something the other day that really bothered me. It said, “It was nice meeting you. I forgot your name as soon as you said it.” I am beyond guilty of doing this and have been for quite awhile. I always chalked it up to not being a great active listener sometimes, but now this post is making me question that it’s possibly due to MS? Come on! I even asked my husband if the name amnesia happens to him when he meets people and he said it absolutely does. It’s just a prime example of this annoying game that I constantly play.
I still haven’t figured out exactly how to take my game piece off this board. It is starting to feel like the longest game of Monopoly ever and each time I pass “GO” I don’t collect $200, I just earn another reason to be anxious and question what the hell my central nervous system is doing in there. My hope, is that just like the Monopoly game, I will grow tired of playing it and I can just put it on the closet shelf to collect dust and cobwebs. I may occasionally open the closet and think to myself, “maybe I should try playing that again”, but then I’ll remember how terrible of an idea that is, because no one really wins, you just lose time and energy, and then I’ll just close the door and walk away.
However, I’m not there yet, so until then I will keep buying properties, paying the banker, relax when I have a chance to enjoy free parking once in awhile and continue to question if I dropped my phone again because I’m just clumsy or because of this MS cloud that continues to threaten me.
Be Well – Be Happy – Be Kind – Be Present
-Ms. Meant To Be
MS. MEANT TO BE 